Last Night

As seen in the books of her unholy haemomancer-ness. Any reference to any person real or fictional is probably intended. If you're a lawyer, this post was written by my neighbour.

This crepuscular tale begins with a girl. She can be described as beautiful, intelligent and a stunning example of nature's crafting. But then, that would be a lie. We'll settle for something a tad lower. She's average.

The tale proceeds with a boy (Girl on girl action, involving cups, is best left to shock-sites). He would be an average guy in a normal world. But then, with a normal world and a normal boy, you can't have rabid fangirls across the universe. So, in their world, he's strong, understanding, smart, good-looking (So fantastically beautiful, in fact, he wouldn't be altogether out of place as a tragic hero in a story about a boy wizard). Since we have a boy and a girl, there's bound to be some action. So, let's give him good breath. Most important of all, he's sparkly. Like a firecracker. Or a Christmas decoration.

Now that we have our two main characters decided, we must ensure the two meet. What do average girls of schooling age do? Go to high school. And what do sparkly, superhuman immortals that have spent decades hunting and battling bands of roving trolls do? Go to high school, of course.

All high schools are in areas with wooded clearings right around the corner. A perfect spot for one-to-one conversations about life, the universe and everything. But not for our couple. Being the deeply romantic and moving story it is, our couple will sit in said clearing and talk about how bad sandwiches taste when cut in particular ways. As you are on the verge of forgiving them for this minor transgression, they reveal they are falling in love. *Slow, painful music*

No romantic story can exist without a disturbing love triangle. Girl is bat-crazy about guy 1. Guy 1 is sparkly enough to possess homosexual intentions towards Guy 2. Guy 2 has a wolf-like hunger for love from Girl. Guy 2 is doing something that all rebellious girls love. He repairs motorcycles.

To add a bit of originality, let us add family affairs and century long blood-feuds to the broth. Any parallels you are drawing with Romeo and Juliet are your own imagination. Any similarities you find with the works of Bram Stoker will cause him to turn in his grave, obtain vampiric unlife, hunt you down, dismember you and set you on fire. Stoker wrote novels, not fairytales with christmas decorations.

Since we've provided here the key elements of the story, it is up to you to make up the details as you go. In all probability, whatever sappy tosh you come up with, it just might be what our unholiness wrote in her series.

I read a book last night.

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